Building Bridges
I’ve wanted to write about my experience with the Christians in my life for quite some time now. Each time, I start writing until the words that have carried me so far begin to creak and feel unsteady. What this bridge may carry matters to me. Each time I do not reach the other side, I at least reach a better understanding of what designs won’t work. Alas, what won’t work is all I’ve learned so far. I had Gemini try to create an image of how this looks in my head.
If you can’t talk about what works, you can at least talk about what doesn’t work. Here is what I’ve learned.
It won’t work to generalize about Christians, partly because Christians are not a monolith, there is diversity of belief. It is precarious to generalize about any group of people to which we don’t belong but to whom we wish to connect. So I take the approach of talking about the Christians in my life, they are the only Christians relevant to my story. It is best for me to focus on my story, but I also recognize that it is an ancient story that echos on many levels and for many individuals.
It won’t work to write like I have a better understanding of spirituality or life, because I don’t. It won’t work to express any kind of superiority, it is that kind of superiority that wished to leave behind in the first place. It won’t work to shame. I’ve never seen shame do anything actually useful when it doesn’t come from within, and rarely then as well.
I have taken the approach of spiritual openness, it is something that I value partly because I have always wanted to know what it was like on the other side. “To know what it is like on the other side” in that last sentence could be interpreted many different ways, and all of them happen to describe me pretty well.
It won’t work to say that Christian beliefs are the cause of my problems. I own my own problems. I will need to visit some painful moments in my story, and surely Christianity can be used as a map to moments like that, but so can many other beliefs. The truth of the Bible is a sacred idea to Christians. In the story I wish to tell, I do not consider its truth, only its influence in my life.
Every map we find is based on some other map, not direct knowledge of the ultimate destination. This is due to the inconvenient reality that no one can visit the ultimate destination and then draw a map. So it is not so much the map of the Bible we follow, but rather the map we copy from it.
The biggest problems in my life, I walked into following my own map. The same can be said for anyone, but it can take a while to learn how to say it. That map was based partly on the Bible and partly on other things. As for the parts that lead me astray, it is not always the Bible parts.
But what is the other side? Where is this bridge going? I suppose it is going to the place that I have wished for the Christians in my life to visit, and that is the land of Me as I Understand Myself: Even the Spiritual Parts. Why do I want them to visit? Partly because I’ve learned some things on the way that can be appreciated by anyone. Partly because spirituality is deeply personal, it asks questions about reality that each person must ultimately answer for themselves, and yet it is a journey that we wish to share with others. It is wonderful to share with others, that much I remember.
Where do we start? If we are going by the logic of the bridge building games, we should look first for the place that is closest to the other side.
I suppose “closest to the other side” could be interpreted more literally as the last time that I was a Christian, or more specifically the last time that I thought it was possible for me to be saved, so the last time I earnestly prayed to be saved, and that is when I was twelve.